you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
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