One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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