My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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