worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
