she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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