tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
