hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
