Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
