Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
