He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
