oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
