Betty ford says i'm here all night
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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