if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
