glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
