Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
