I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
