I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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