Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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