I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
