I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
