I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
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She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
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It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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