He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize