i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
