The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
