New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
