Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
