guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
