As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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