Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
