you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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