mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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