Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
