I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
