i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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