after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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