yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
