Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
