It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
