i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
