You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
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