I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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