I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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