I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
