Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
