I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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