i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
