Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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