you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Randomize
