i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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