so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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