Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
