your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
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