In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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