If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
