what day is it and did you see me today?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
