I have demons in me.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
