I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
