i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
