I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
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