first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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