I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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